Some days I feel like crying but it’s not all bad. I feel sad, I feel overwhelmed. I have an ever apparent lump in my throat- but it’s not about my life.
It’s about the world and the complexity of it all. I feel overheleming gratitude, at the same time as the sadness. I feel powerlessness but also an incredible force within me at the same time.
I think this conflict comes from feeling myself both as an individual and as a part of something much bigger than myself at the same time. When I feel like trying to change things as the small, earthly fleck of a human being that I am, I feel so hopeless.
But when I tap into the undercurrent inside me, when I get quiet and I feel connected, then I feel like things are infinitely possible.
I can see why there is so much anxiety, because in my world, trying to force and DO makes me feel less powerful. The more I realize that surrendering to instinct and paying attention to the signs and guidance right in front of my face, the more hope and peace I feel.
This doesn’t mean I believe in doing nothing. It means the doing comes from a less feverish place. It comes from a deep well of knowledge with a very carefully laid out plan that I just can’t see in its entirety yet.
There was a time when I thought giving up my individual plans to just go with life as it comes to me made me feel very anxious. How could I have the assurance that I could become everything that I want for myself in this life time if I don’t exert force?
How can I achieve if I don’t grind?
I think the desperate energy that goes along with all of that ALWAYS puts a big halt on progress and leaves you spinning your wheels in the mud. From my experience, every single time I’ve let go of the desperate attachment to how things should be, and the exact path I felt I should take towards something I wanted, things started to show up on their own and everything started to fall into place and align as if it were magic.
Who knows why we always forget that surrender isn’t giving up, who knows why we always go back to tensing up all of our muscles as the default.
All I know is that there is a shift in the air. And as nervous as I am to start opening up about this side of me- and all the “woo-woo” (which by the way, science is really starting to support)- I know it’s for the good and I’m compelled to do it.
“Surrender isn’t about being passive, it’s about being open”