I think a lot of little girls dream of growing up to me moms. I know not all of them do for sure, and that’s awesome too because everyone needs to do exactly what feels right for them.
I remember when I was little I didn’t care that much about barbies, I had my dolls. I had a full drawer dedicated to doll clothes and I loved my babies. I had a cat and he was also my baby. You better believe he was always dressed up in those doll clothes too.
And my favourite game? House.
Wow. You must be thinking, so stereotypical. So cliché. Haha. Me too!
Despite all of those super nurturing tendencies I had, I was also very much a rough and tumble tomboy type girl. I loved playing in the woods, getting dirty in the creek, catching frogs and bugs etc. I also owned a full train set and my own hot wheels too.
I would say that my parents were pretty good at letting me explore all ranges of “gendered” play. I got to make my own choices.
From a young age, it was very clear to me that I wanted to be a mom. I even remember telling my mom when I was a kid, when I’m a mom… blah blah blah.
When I got older, into my teenage years, I always pictured myself with kids. Its kind of weird actually, I always pictured myself as a single mom. Maybe that’s because I wasn’t sure of whom I would end up with, so I just didn’t include anyone in my fantasy future. I was actually not as set on the idea of marriage as I was on the certainty of being a mom.
So maybe this is all very normal. Maybe there are a lot of girls who have mommy fantasies. But as my life has progressed, my yearning for motherhood deepened into something I didn’t really expect.
After my husband and I were married, we kept going back and forth between the number of years it would be until we would have kids. Baby fever would get really strong and then retreat for a bit. That was all good, cause it wasn’t quite the right time and I knew I wasn’t ready yet at 23.
When my sister-in-law started having babies, things started to get real. Especially when my second nephew, Mateo, was born last October. I understood what motherhood really looked like and what it meant to commit yourself fully to a new little human. I knew I was up for it.
However, I felt like I couldn’t become a mother until I healed my own wounds– many of which stem from the relationship I have with my own mother. It’s unfortunate because my mom also had a poor relationship with her own mother. The cycle is one that’s not easy to break, because when you don’t have a good model for a mother-daughter relationship, how do you navigate creating one with your own daughter?
You know how people feel they have to discover themselves and love themselves first before they can get into a relationship? That’s kind of how I felt about having a baby. There’s some self-work that I need to do first and I thought that was a really responsible belief to have.
I started working with a psychotherapist, addressing some of these really enmeshed beliefs I had about myself and about my mom. I started digging deep and doing some serious forgiveness work, and its been going really well. My husband has played a vital role in my healing, by showing my unwavering support and unconditional love in my healing journey. He’s helped be crack open and be able to access my true feelings.
The truth is I’m very lucky to be alive in this world where its easy to access these sorts of resources and to be able to go online and read blogs about The Mother Wound. Without these types of resources I can see how it would be incredibly difficult to figure out how to heal yourself. Especially since the stigma surrounding mental health has somewhat lifted since my own mother was my age.
I really felt like I had a lot of work to do and it was going to take me a long time to get to a healthy enough state of mind to have a baby and not feel it was a selfish choice. However, having children is in itself one of the most and the least selfish thing you can do at the same time.
Bringing another human into this wild world so you can love it and create a family is pretty much a choice you make solely for your own happiness, then again, you are committing to giving that child everything you possibly can of yourself for as long as they need it.
I felt pretty conflicted about this and about when the right time would be. My psychotherapist made a comment that I had really never considered before. I’m not even sure if I truly believed what she said at the time. She said Milli, I think a lot of healing will happen for you in the experience of being a mother yourself. BOOM.
Is that possible? Is that allowed? I’m gonna rely on a tiny little infant to help fix these deep seated issues I’ve been carrying with me since childhood?
It took me a while, but just last week I began to see how.
I was browsing this amazing Facebook group I’m a part of called Tribe de Mama and one of the ladies posted this absolutely beautiful and moving video of her, in a sports bra and boy shorts, 3 weeks post partum dancing with her little baby. Its actually making me tear up right now thinking about it. The happiness and peace on her face, the way she swayed and moved with such freedom. It was so incredibly powerful. In that moment, I saw it- that’s the power to heal, right there.
That connection, that building of a new bond and a new healthy relationship, one of complete and unconditional love, that is that kind of thing that can break you open and get to those super deep spots if you let it.
That’s the depth of emotion I think I’ve not only been so afraid to feel, but have been craving and yearning for.
I am so unbelievably lucky to have been able to consider the emotional repercussions of my past on my becoming a mother. I am so lucky to have broken down so many of my walls so far, that I am learning to be vulnerable and that I am fully committed to always working on myself and always continuing on my healing journey.
I feel so blessed to have the moments in my life that I can be moved to tears by something so beautiful and that’s why I want to be a mom so badly. I know that me watching other women and their babies will invoke only a fraction of the emotion and love I’m going to feel when I hold my own baby in my arms for the first time.
I know I am going to be the one to break the cycle of painful parent-child relationships in my family, and for that, I want to be a mom so badly.
I know that I am going to feel fear, and worry and pain and grief like I’ve never felt before when it comes to the well-being of our baby. I want it, and I need to feel it all. That’s why I want to be a mom so badly.
My husband and I are so in sync in our beliefs and dreams for how we will parent our child and the immense love we will feel having created a family. Everything will become more meaningful, it won’t just be about us anymore and that’s why I want to be a mom so badly.
I am very well aware it wont be easy. I know it will be the biggest challenge of my life, and that’s okay. I’ve been through some painfully challenging periods in life, I’m talking heart wrenching, traumatizing periods that have made me who I am today. I wouldn’t trade any of those experiences now, because they’ve opened my eyes to what I really want out of this lifetime, and what really deserves my focus and that’s why I want to be a mom so badly.
I am utterly committed to the highs and lows to come. I will give it absolutely everything I have in me, because the feeling of parental love and support is something you might take for granted, but if its ever taken away or you feel like its not very strong, then you’ll understand.
If love is your foundation and there is always a deep love you can feel like a cushion beneath you for when you fall, then you can stay grounded in life much easier. You can feel worthy, and happy and hopeful. I’m lucky to have a husband who gives this to me, and a healing relationship with my mother.
I want to be that foundation for our babies, I want to help you build that foundation, mentally and physically, and that’s why I want to be a mom so badly.
If you feel very strongly about becoming a mom and you feel that you have some healing of your own to do before that time comes, then I warmly welcome you to join my Private Facebook Community, you can search for it on Facebook at Radiant & Ready with Milli Fox or CLICK HERE to head there now.
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