On Being “Too Much”

Milli Fox Toronto based self-help and motivational blogger. Oh she’s just too much.

How often do you worry about being “too *insert adjective here*?

I have been living under the illusion that I am unapologetically myself. I have this nice idea that because i’m outspoken and I’m not afraid of confrontation or conflict that somehow that automatically means that I am also true to myself. Don’t ask me how I put that one together….

Anyway, Instagram has definitely shined a light into some of my darkest corners. So as much as I love to hate so many aspects about it, ultimately I am grateful for the questions it has brought up for me.

Why am I posting this?

Really, so many questions go through my head before I decide upon what to post. Today I had this idea that I should start a post series called #whatimreallythinking and share the TRUE thoughts that go through my head while I’m thinking about whether or not to post something. But I’ll come back to that idea.

What I’m really getting at here is how often I second guess myself before I share something. Even on this blog. I actually have a super deep fear of being viewed as “too much”.

I’ve actually had this fear for a long time. I’m afraid that people will think I’m too bitchy, too bossy, too forceful, too goofy, too un-ladylike,

I’m also very concerned that people are going to think that if I share the deep, painful parts of me that people will automatically think it’s because I’m looking for attention.

And you know what’s so interesting and sort of funny? The other day, I was watching The American Meme on Netflix and Kendal Jenner of all people responded to that criticism with: “I just really don’t see what the problem with attention is”.

I sat with that for awhile. I’m still thinking about it.

Why are we so concerned about people wanting attention? I guess it all comes down to the why (as in most things). Why do you want the attention to begin with?

In my case, I know a lot of it has to do with wanting to feel seen, heard and validated. (By the way, we all want to feel seen, heard and validated). I personally didn’t get much of that from the people in my life who are “supposed” to give it to you- so I guess now I am seeking it. Admitting that in itself seems like something I’m supposed to be ashamed of.

But why? Why am I supposed to feel bad about the fact that I suffered in many ways as a child and now I’m trying to figure all that shit out, air my pain out to dry and to take control of my own story?

Why should I feel afraid that my shit is going to make someone else uncomfortable?

Why should I swallow my painful memories in attempts to keep it kosher?

I keep seeing this quote around the internet that says something along the lines of: If you’re too much for someone, they just aren’t your people.

I think that’s it. I think we just need to stop worrying about making those people uncomfortable and start shining for the people who DO need to hear our shit. For that ONE person who needs to hear what we’re saying, in the specific way that we’re saying it, on that specific day that we feel like saying it.

I am so afraid of people thinking I’m looking for sympathy, it makes me feel so uncomfortable sometimes when people offer me words of encouragement or tell me I’m doing a great job. I feel like they are just being nice or even that they don’t really know allllll of me, so their compliments or encouragement is somehow not applicable.

So, as I sit here trying to embrace allllll of me- I am gonna take a step into this uncharted territory of revealing my “too muchness”. Some of which isn’t even about ME, but more-so about things that happened TO ME that I’ve been too afraid to share for fear of making my family uncomfortable.

I realize I’ve been trying to protect people that never really even tried to do much to protect me.

I think I’m ready to throw all that people-pleasing shit out the window.

Time to air out all too much of my dirty laundry. Cause shame can’t live in the light sista!

Share one way that you’ve always been concerned you are “too much” of in the comments below.




 

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Boundaries Are a Bitch

There are certain concepts in the self-help world that do my head in. Concepts that seem like they should be really straight forward and easy to understand. You read the definitions and you think ok, yeah, I got it. Then you read it again just to make sure and you’re like hmmmm something just isn’t quite clicking for me right now- and you move on.

That’s been my experience with boundaries. It just seems to be a very fluid concept and there isn’t really a concrete formula for how you go about implementing strong, healthy boundaries. I need formulas, I need concrete.

I also realize that I am not good at boundaries. I’m at one extreme or the other.

I either am completely wide open, I give too much, I expect too much and then I get weird and resentful when I don’t get what I think I should in return. I feel used and taken advantage of. Or I am the complete opposite, I’m cold, I shut down, I wall off.  Nope, I’m done, you’re dead to me.

I’ve told myself for years, since I worked with a therapist one on one before I had my son, that I wanted to work on setting healthy boundaries in my relationship with my mother.  I was talking to her at that point. Things weren’t perfect by any means, but we were both working on trying to recreate some semblance of a mother-daughter relationship. At the time, I just didn’t understand how to set those boundaries or how to keep them.

Although this definitely spills over into all of my relationships, I’ll continue referring to the relationship with my mom because it’s the origin of all these issues and I guess it might give some insight into how the whole thing began.

My mom had a terrible relationship with her mother, AND father. They were both alcoholics, abusive etc. etc. She moved out at 15, tried to shove all the shit under the rug, played Ms. Perfect and then it all came back to bite her in the ass after she had my younger brother and her mother passed away two weeks before she gave birth. Ever since then, she’s been on a downward spiral, a bit of a rollercoaster, but ultimately downward.

So- as a young child my mom would say all kinds of really messed up stuff to me.  She would tell me I was her best friend, but then she would also tell me things like: “you’re just like my mother, you don’t know how to love and you don’t have the capacity to love and if you keep up like that you’re going to end up alone forever.” Not her exact words, but you get the picture.

She was also addicted to all sorts of different things and was either super high functioning perfectionist (clean freak), or passed out on the couch not functioning at all.

There would be moments when I’d feel like she was a mother, and I’d get vulnerable with her and tell her things. Things about my feelings or worries or things I’d done.  Without fail she ALWAYS. Every. Single. Time. would find a way to use those against me at some point down the line.

This is what happened the most recent time we had a blow out, and we now are no longer communicating.

It’s been really weighing on me heavily lately because I know her health is very fragile.  I keep asking myself if it would be ok with me to continue not communicating and have her pass away.

Here’s the issue-I’m between a rock and a hard place, but I know it’s my problem.

I am not willing to be sucked back into the black whole of her existence.  It’s just not an option, especially not since I am a mother myself now. I will not allow my son to be exposed to that kind of toxicity. I will not allow her to form a relationship with him just to hurt him or say really messed up things to him somewhere down the line.

My husband is also not on board.  He has been so gracious for the last ten years, giving her every opportunity and encouraging me to do whatever I needed to do to repair the relationship.  But the thing is, she goes after him when she comes after me because she knows thats where she can get to me.  She knows I’m immune to her criticizing me so she says terrible things about my husband. And he’s had enough. I respect that.

Now I’m in a place where I can choose to get in contact with her at any moment and she’ll receive it with open arms. However, I’m not going in without boundaries and I’m nervous AF.

She’s the type of person that goes rabid animal on you if she feels threatened or backed into a corner.  She will go for the jugular.  Even if you think she’s calm, you think she’s hearing your feelings and taking them all in during the initial conversation, it’s gonna come out eventually.  She can’t self soothe, she can’t handle hurt, she can’t think beyond herself.

So I’m frozen, and I don’t have a ton of time.

I’ve got this loose concept of what boundaries are. They are things you’re ok with and not ok with and you’ve gotta find a way to communicate that to another person in a loving way without sounding like a total bitch. I’m thinking about making a list…like really just hashing it all out on paper and then sending her an email.

I know I need to ask myself: what makes me feel safe in this relationship, what makes me feel like I am guarding my value and how can I stay in my integrity…

I’m also hoping that if I can get this shit down with her, that it will help me immensely in all of my other relationships going forward.

Man, mommy-issues are a bitch.

Signed,
Mama Milli
Xx

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