Forgiveness is Confusing

Milli Fox, Toronto based blogger focused on self help and self love ❤️ You know those times where someone accidentally hurts you and you feel a sudden rush of anger. Maybe they stepped on your toe or banged into your arm, and even though you know they didn’t mean too you’re still pissed. You didn’t deserve that, why were they so careless?

You know it’s illogical to be angry, but that doesn’t stop you from feeling the feelings. It’s almost an automatic response. I’m the victim, I have a right.

I feel as though this situation is parallel in so many ways to when people hurt us emotionally. There are so many factors that play into it, of course, but most of the time (even in the worst ways) people who hurt us emotionally never intended to. It’s the same carelessness, shortsightedness, and self-involvement that causes both types of inflictions.

The people who hurt us are being pushed and pulled by so many other forces that were almost just an unlucky canoe rocking in the wake of their “shit”. I can pretty much guarantee it’s not about you.

Even still, it doesn’t stop us from feeling the hurt, and being pissed.

So, we feel the feelings. We need to. We obviously can’t shove it under the rug. That can only make things worse.

But sometimes we come around to the point of wanting to let it go. We come around to the point of wanting to forgive.

Forgiveness, however, can be a tricky thing. It has been for me, anyway. On one hand, you hear things like “forgiveness will set you free”. But deep inside you fear that giving in and forgiving will dismiss the hurt that was caused.

It almost feels like letting someone off the hook.

Although if we return to the concept I introduced at the beginning of this blog, we can begin to look at it in a similar vein.

We can circle back around to logic, but instead of it all coming from the head- we can also pull from the heart.

In the bigger picture, forgiveness is seeing the situation as larger than just you and the person who hurt you. It’s recognizing that the person who hurt you is much more than all the programming that led them to do so.

Love is that the core of everyone, and to be honest, the most painful part of it all is believing anything otherwise.

Does it not instantly soften you to think of people as inherently good, but just subject to shitty conditions? It does for me.

Don’t get me wrong, there is a still a battlefield in my mind. My ego-self still wants to be pissed. After all, the person I’m working to forgive is the one that was supposed to be my foundational source of safety, my mother. Instead she spent her life derailing mine.

A huge part of me still feels the sting. But when I realize that it’s not just me as my “ego representative” forgiving her “ego representative” and that it’s not me losing, I feel relief. When I realize that it’s the deep seated self that lives at the core of me, under my thoughts, under my wild emotions fueled by hormones and external conditions. The one that’s there in those quiet spaces between the whirlwind of human existence, I feel relief.

When I know that the work I’m doing to forgive is me choosing love over anger, I feel the work is larger than the relationship between her and I alone.

Forgiveness is choosing to recognize that same core in another person, regardless of all the shit that’s built up on top of it over the years. Like a tumbleweed of ca-ca.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to let that person have access to you in the same way ever again. In fact, probably best to learn a bit more about setting healthy boundaries from the experience.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to be “nice” or “friendly” it just has to come from the heart.

Forgiveness is FOR YOU. But it’s also for everyone around you because anger and hate in your heart are never neutral. They ARE hurting someone. Believing people are inherently bad only puts a negative filter on your entire outlook on the world. And when a negative outlook or a bitter heart is your starting point, that will affect every interaction you have with every person you ever encounter, even if it’s just in the most minuscule ways.

I’m not saying you have to open your heart to everyone you pass by- in fact, quite the opposite. People need to earn your trust and the position in your life to have that kind of backstage access.

I’m just saying the work of forgiveness isn’t like a game of tennis where one person ultimately must lose. I think it’s noble work. It’s honourable work. And don’t forget, it is WORK.

It takes time, but all things that are worth it do. So as you rub your funny bone, even though it’s never funny; and you swear under your breath. Have a little chat with yourself about it, or 26463737 chats over several years. But I suggest you keep revisiting the idea, even if you only take tiny steps towards it. A step towards forgiveness is always one in the right direction.

Do you have someone you’re havinf tepuvle forgiving??



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WTF is Surrender?

Some days I feel like crying but it’s not all bad. I feel sad, I feel overwhelmed. I have an ever apparent lump in my throat- but it’s not about my life.

It’s about the world and the complexity of it all. I feel overheleming gratitude, at the same time as the sadness. I feel powerlessness but also an incredible force within me at the same time.

I think this conflict comes from feeling myself both as an individual and as a part of something much bigger than myself at the same time. When I feel like trying to change things as the small, earthly fleck of a human being that I am, I feel so hopeless.

But when I tap into the undercurrent inside me, when I get quiet and I feel connected, then I feel like things are infinitely possible.

I can see why there is so much anxiety, because in my world, trying to force and DO makes me feel less powerful. The more I realize that surrendering to instinct and paying attention to the signs and guidance right in front of my face, the more hope and peace I feel.

This doesn’t mean I believe in doing nothing. It means the doing comes from a less feverish place. It comes from a deep well of knowledge with a very carefully laid out plan that I just can’t see in its entirety yet.

There was a time when I thought giving up my individual plans to just go with life as it comes to me made me feel very anxious. How could I have the assurance that I could become everything that I want for myself in this life time if I don’t exert force?

How can I achieve if I don’t grind?

I think the desperate energy that goes along with all of that ALWAYS puts a big halt on progress and leaves you spinning your wheels in the mud. From my experience, every single time I’ve let go of the desperate attachment to how things should be, and the exact path I felt I should take towards something I wanted, things started to show up on their own and everything started to fall into place and align as if it were magic.

Who knows why we always forget that surrender isn’t giving up, who knows why we always go back to tensing up all of our muscles as the default.

All I know is that there is a shift in the air. And as nervous as I am to start opening up about this side of me- and all the “woo-woo” (which by the way, science is really starting to support)- I know it’s for the good and I’m compelled to do it.

“Surrender isn’t about being passive, it’s about being open”

-Danielle LaPorte



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Fine Lines & Contradictions

Oh lord we walk the line. Everyday and everyway. As women, as mothers- it tears us in two. Speak your truth they say, but don’t disrespect your elders and don’t offend anyone. Take care of yourself they say- but they don’t offer a hand. Self-care, what is it? A face mask, a warm bath, or an appointment with your therapist? But is it for the ego or the soul?

Do you know yourself? Do you trust yourself? How can you be sure? Too much wondering and worrying. How do you have boundaries that are healthy and how do you enforce them? Everyone wants you to be the nice girl. Where do you find inspiration without comparison and how do you stop the feelings of unworthiness that always seem to creep in when searching for “inspiration”? How do you share your story without seeming indulgent? How do you know when you’ve shared too much or even if it’s possible? Some people with applaud you and thank you and others will tell you you’re searching for attention. You can never do it right. How do you let go of “right”? How do you operate outside of right and wrong? Even if you logically acknowledge that there truly is no right or wrong, we are beings attached to beliefs. We’re all attached to what we think is right and wrong.

Love your family they say. Open your heart they say. But stand up for yourself and don’t let anyone tell you you’re not worthy of love. Isn’t it usually our families that make us believe those lies in the first place? How do you open your heart to the people who harderned your heart in the first place?

I just want to write and hit publish but I feel like I need to provide answers. I need to show you I have things figured out.

Sometimes everything just seems like a contradiction. Like I’m always balancing on these fines lines of ambition and self absorption. Of love and losing myself. Of strength and cold heartedness. Of mindfulness and blindness.

How can I justify any of this? I can’t.

But one thing I know is- that’s not the point. The experience IS the point. The expansion and the new questions that bubble up ARE the point. The path is the point. Paying attention is the point.

There really is no finale.



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Running From Your Reflection

And I don’t mean literally… I mean when you see yourself in others.

As I’ve mentioned before- I’m not that great at friendships. Well, what I mean more specifically is that I feel challenged by relationships with women. I know there are layers to these challenges and it can’t just be summarized into one neat little package.

But what I do know is- it all has to do with me. First, I see the reflection of what I need and what I needed from my mother in my relationships with other women. Second, I see my own struggles and my own flaws in the people I get close to.

The unfulfilled needs definitely complicate things, but the struggles I’ve overcome and yet to overcome and flaws make it especially challenging. As I recognize the fact that it’s actually my own reflection making me uncomfortable, I’ve realized how unfair that is for the other person involved.

I’m essentially trying to save myself through other people. I always cross boundaries, take it one or many steps too far, give too much of myself and then get resentful when I feel it’s not appreciated or reciprocated.

The issue here is I’m not able to love and accept someone beyond their “problems” because I can’t love and accept myself despite my own perceived flaws.

For so many years I’ve been self help obsessed. I just think if I can be more mindful, more effective, more productive, more whatever- everything else will fall into place.

But the truth is I’ve been intellectualizing everything and forgetting how to actually love someone. You don’t love someone by working to. You love someone by just accepting them as they are and not constantly trying to change them.

Yes personal development is a wonderful thing but it’s not a prerequisite for being a good person. In fact, even if you’re kind of a jerk- you should still be loved and you should definitely still love yourself.

It’s just a matter of monitoring how you actually talk to yourself. Are the demands you have on yourself reasonable? Are you kind to yourself when you don’t meet them?

I recently was listening to a podcast and the guy said- if you think you have it all together, all you have to do is look at your relationships with other people to gauge how true that is. Are your relationships going well? If not- then you probably need to do some work on your relationship with yourself.

If you find it hard To be compassionate and patient with others, how can you possibly find it in yourself to be those things for yourself? I think you can really be in denial about it for a long time.

It takes a lot of self-awareness and constant checking in to be sure your not acting out of your own self limiting beliefs.

The best “method” I’ve found for working on self love has been improving my self talk and using “The Work” by Byron Katie.

Two books that I found specifically helpful have been:

“I Need Your Love, Is That True”, Byron Katie

-“Ultimate Confidence”, Marisa Peer

Tell me about a time you realized your own issues were causing problems for you in a relationship.

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Do You Practice Having Fun?

I wish I could put on Rosen goggles sometimes.

It’s such a shame as we get older how we see so much less winded in he world. The magic is never gone, we just forget how to notice it.

I’ve been doing some digging lately- and the idea of joy keeps coming back to me. Followed by the ideas of fun, laughter, dance, play and creativity. All of these things bring joy into your life- but we deem them to be much less important than so many other tasks in our day to day.

The major issue is, the most meaningful part of our lives are the connections we have with the other people in our lives. And while we’re all so busy focusing on the “important stuff” we’re forgetting to take into consideration that the most memorable, heart touching moments we share with those we love can only come when we make the space for the fun, laughter, dance, play and creativity. You are literally starving yourself and the ones you love of these incredible moments for connection by ignoring these things.

But the thing is… if we’re not used to being care free in the way children are- we might freeze up even if we do get the opportunity to play or to dance. Today I was thinking about how much I used to dance and how now when I try I feel stuff and awkward.

And I think we feel stiff and awkward when it comes to all of these things because they require practice. The word practice keeps coming up for me lately. Yoga practice, mediation practice etc. It’s not like you do them because you’re already good at them- you have a practice evause you are doing literally that, practicing. The same way you would with a musical instrument or a sport. You have to PRACTICE play, practice laughter, practice dance- by putting them into PRACTICE!!

Lol now I know I’m putting a lot of stress on that word. But the only way to practice something is to make the space and time for it.

Have you ever tried to fake laugh and it ends up making you laugh for real?? Try it. It’s a really good way to get yourself going.

If you have nothing to do for a moment, stop looking around for a task to complete. Put on some music and start doing a stupid dance. Again, it might make you feel really dumb at first, but as you start moving you’re going to loosen up and start feeling the groove.

Creativity is also not something that only some of us are gifted with- it’s something we have to cultivate in the exact same way. Those of who rn corporate creativity into our days are the ones who amplify it within ourselves.

I’ve been watching RuPaul’s Drag Race lately and I’ve been in awe of the creativity those Queens put into their entire performance. I thought back to yesterday when I pulled together a random Halloween costume out of a bin of things and suddenly became a Chuck Cavewoman with a pink wig and with glamorous shimmering pink eyelids, and I was amazed at how much fun it was.

Now what if we didn’t wait for Halloween for the excuse to let our creative juices flow? What if we practiced dance, laughter, play, fun and creativity daily? Even if it were just for five minutes?

I don’t know about you- but I’m feeling lighter just thinking about it.

Wouldn’t it be nice to get a little bit of our kid goggles back?

Comment below with the last time you felt carefree and had fun like the good old days 😁

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