Oh she’s just too much.
How often do you worry about being “too *insert adjective here*?
I have been living under the illusion that I am unapologetically myself. I have this nice idea that because i’m outspoken and I’m not afraid of confrontation or conflict that somehow that automatically means that I am also true to myself. Don’t ask me how I put that one together….
Anyway, Instagram has definitely shined a light into some of my darkest corners. So as much as I love to hate so many aspects about it, ultimately I am grateful for the questions it has brought up for me.
Why am I posting this?
Really, so many questions go through my head before I decide upon what to post. Today I had this idea that I should start a post series called #whatimreallythinking and share the TRUE thoughts that go through my head while I’m thinking about whether or not to post something. But I’ll come back to that idea.
What I’m really getting at here is how often I second guess myself before I share something. Even on this blog. I actually have a super deep fear of being viewed as “too much”.
I’ve actually had this fear for a long time. I’m afraid that people will think I’m too bitchy, too bossy, too forceful, too goofy, too un-ladylike,
I’m also very concerned that people are going to think that if I share the deep, painful parts of me that people will automatically think it’s because I’m looking for attention.
And you know what’s so interesting and sort of funny? The other day, I was watching The American Meme on Netflix and Kendal Jenner of all people responded to that criticism with: “I just really don’t see what the problem with attention is”.
I sat with that for awhile. I’m still thinking about it.
Why are we so concerned about people wanting attention? I guess it all comes down to the why (as in most things). Why do you want the attention to begin with?
In my case, I know a lot of it has to do with wanting to feel seen, heard and validated. (By the way, we all want to feel seen, heard and validated). I personally didn’t get much of that from the people in my life who are “supposed” to give it to you- so I guess now I am seeking it. Admitting that in itself seems like something I’m supposed to be ashamed of.
But why? Why am I supposed to feel bad about the fact that I suffered in many ways as a child and now I’m trying to figure all that shit out, air my pain out to dry and to take control of my own story?
Why should I feel afraid that my shit is going to make someone else uncomfortable?
Why should I swallow my painful memories in attempts to keep it kosher?
I keep seeing this quote around the internet that says something along the lines of: If you’re too much for someone, they just aren’t your people.
I think that’s it. I think we just need to stop worrying about making those people uncomfortable and start shining for the people who DO need to hear our shit. For that ONE person who needs to hear what we’re saying, in the specific way that we’re saying it, on that specific day that we feel like saying it.
I am so afraid of people thinking I’m looking for sympathy, it makes me feel so uncomfortable sometimes when people offer me words of encouragement or tell me I’m doing a great job. I feel like they are just being nice or even that they don’t really know allllll of me, so their compliments or encouragement is somehow not applicable.
So, as I sit here trying to embrace allllll of me- I am gonna take a step into this uncharted territory of revealing my “too muchness”. Some of which isn’t even about ME, but more-so about things that happened TO ME that I’ve been too afraid to share for fear of making my family uncomfortable.
I realize I’ve been trying to protect people that never really even tried to do much to protect me.
I think I’m ready to throw all that people-pleasing shit out the window.
Time to air out all too much of my dirty laundry. Cause shame can’t live in the light sista!
Share one way that you’ve always been concerned you are “too much” of in the comments below.