How I cracked open.
Oh that sounds so vague and ooey gooey. What does cracked open even mean?
I used to hear this language and think it was so inaccessible and too abstract. That’s because it was inaccessible to me at the time. I wasn’t there yet and I wasn’t ready.
I couldn’t crack open because I didn’t know exactly what it was that I was holding onto so tightly.
I’ve spoken before about My Story and how I spent so many years reading self-help books and getting nowhere. I’ve realized that it’s because I was only skimming the surface and I was spiritually bypassing all of my real raw human emotions.
I was running from them weekly by numbing myself with alcohol or a variety of other distractions and outlets.
I wasn’t able to crack into myself until I learned that none of the self-help books would help me and I really started paying attention to myself. I started to witness all of my emotions and acknowledge them.
You might think you already do witness your emotions because you feel a lot of things. Maybe you feel a lot of anger or you feel anxiety or despair. But do you ever dig into those feelings or do you find yourself rushing through them and trying to sweep them away as quickly as you can?
I know that’s what I did. I thought I could follow a list of neat and tidy principles and get past all the wounds that I’d been carrying with me. But it’s just not a thing.
I’m not saying it’s necessary to sit in a chair and discuss every detail of your childhood- quite the opposite, in fact.
I’m talking about being in the present moment and paying attention to each emotion and allowing it’s full life span to play out inside of you. Let it wash over you and come to a peak and just breathe into it. Then ask yourself what the source of it was- but don’t stress too hard about finding it.
If you honour your emotions and use them as a guide book, you’ll find that they have a lot less power to take you and have their way with you. Give them the space they need and the attention they deserve and you’ll find you have a wonderful compass at your disposal any time you need it.
I personally took a long time to get to this place. It was a combination of adding and subtracting many things from my life that allowed me to have the mental space required to witness my own thoughts. And to be honest, I still have moments where my emotions throw me around like a rag doll.
One of the most important things I did to get to a place of honouring my emotions was to stop drowning myself in booze. Now, you don’t necessarily have to be an alcoholic, or even use alcohol to be drowning your emotions. There are plenty of ways you can numb yourself. Look around and see what “substances” you might be using.
The next thing I did was I start meditating daily which wasn’t easy, but I started with 10 minutes a day with a guided meditation app called Headspace. I wrote another post about why you should at least give it a fair shot here.
I also started doing yoga. At first I did it because I just couldn’t handle the energy of the gym anymore, but once I realized the real purpose and the power of yoga I really began to feel it was perfect for me. I started to understand that emotion and trauma and tension are stored in our muscles and in our bodies. I also crave the YIN energy of the practice. I suppressed my femininity for so many years because I thought feminine equaled weak. That’s a whole other blog post though!
Now when I have feelings bubbling up in yoga when I’m in a challenging pose I can be thankful that they’re finding a way out of me. In the beginning of my practice I thought it was my frustration about the pose being difficult. However, once I learned the emotional power of yoga to connect to yourself- I embraced these waves. Now, I cry pretty much every yoga session because I’ve got a lot of stuff to release.
I actually cry a lot, pretty much everyday, for many different reasons. Sometimes it’s overwhelming sadness, but a lot of the time it’s relief, it’s thankfulness and it’s joy. I feel like crying right now because I’m so happy I can write a post like this and really truly mean it!
I follow a lot of self-help type gurus online and I’ve read a few posts from women who’ve said things like I just did. Talking about how they cracked open and now they’re so sensitive all the time and I would think to myself: Ugh why would you want to do that? Crying sucks and it’s so bad and embarrassing.
While it may be a bit embarrassing if you’re in public-who actually cares!!
You know how people say when you let your light shine you give people permission to do the same? Well when you honour your emotions and let them flow you also give other’s permission to do the same. And when you’re like me and you’ve held so much in for so long, you’re just so grateful to let it all go that the embarrassment doesn’t hold a candle to the relief you feel!
I’m the type who’s always putting pressure on myself. Pressure to achieve, pressure to heal, pressure to do it faster.
So I can understand how it might not sound so appealing when I say that no one can tell you how to heal. I’m sure it would be easier with a proven system, but thats not how life works. No one can ever give you the exact list of tools you need to do what needs to be done. When you get to a place in your life where it’s no longer and option to stay where you are and you surrender, (as in you give up resistance and trying to control) you will find the tools and you will find the path. You just have to ask for it and keep your eyes open.
I’m so hell bent on my journey because I need to do this for my babies. I need to break a cycle of pain between mothers and daughters in my family. And I know I’m well on my way.
I’m healing on my path to motherhood and I know I’ll continue healing through the incredible emotions coming my way when I am a mother.
I’d love for you to come and join me and share part of your path in my private Facebook community: Radiant & Ready with Milli Fox
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