Oh lord we walk the line. Everyday and everyway. As women, as mothers- it tears us in two. Speak your truth they say, but don’t disrespect your elders and don’t offend anyone. Take care of yourself they say- but they don’t offer a hand. Self-care, what is it? A face mask, a warm bath, or an appointment with your therapist? But is it for the ego or the soul?
Do you know yourself? Do you trust yourself? How can you be sure? Too much wondering and worrying. How do you have boundaries that are healthy and how do you enforce them? Everyone wants you to be the nice girl. Where do you find inspiration without comparison and how do you stop the feelings of unworthiness that always seem to creep in when searching for “inspiration”? How do you share your story without seeming indulgent? How do you know when you’ve shared too much or even if it’s possible? Some people with applaud you and thank you and others will tell you you’re searching for attention. You can never do it right. How do you let go of “right”? How do you operate outside of right and wrong? Even if you logically acknowledge that there truly is no right or wrong, we are beings attached to beliefs. We’re all attached to what we think is right and wrong.
Love your family they say. Open your heart they say. But stand up for yourself and don’t let anyone tell you you’re not worthy of love. Isn’t it usually our families that make us believe those lies in the first place? How do you open your heart to the people who harderned your heart in the first place?
I just want to write and hit publish but I feel like I need to provide answers. I need to show you I have things figured out.
Sometimes everything just seems like a contradiction. Like I’m always balancing on these fines lines of ambition and self absorption. Of love and losing myself. Of strength and cold heartedness. Of mindfulness and blindness.
How can I justify any of this? I can’t.
But one thing I know is- that’s not the point. The experience IS the point. The expansion and the new questions that bubble up ARE the point. The path is the point. Paying attention is the point.
There really is no finale.