All around me are reminders of the amount my freedom is about to be greatly diminished. It’s starting to sink in, how I really feel about having a second baby.
I’m so overjoyed about the life I’m carrying inside me. For more reasons that I’m actually willing to share. But one huge one being, I can already feel the healing having a daughter of my own will bring.
Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not expecting my daughter to heal me of any of my past traumas. I’m just saying, due to the fact that I missed out on a healthy mother and daughter relationship combined with the fact that I know I’ve done enough work personally to provide my daughter with the closest thing to that possible, I will be able to have these new, incredible, amazing experiences with a little girl of my own.
So that I can learn and know how beautiful that truly can be.
I’ve often looked at friends who have this with mothers with envy- so to be able to create a healthy bond with my children will be the biggest honour of my lifetime.
However, it doesn’t make facing what’s directly ahead of me seem any easier.
An empty crib, a quiet bedroom. A sleeping toddler. All of these things remind me that stress is about to descend upon me in a major way.
Will I handle it better this time? Will my marriage fair better this time?
How much older am I going to look in two years?
Will I make it through the first 6 months, living with my in-laws and this baby with my mental health in tact?
Will living in the suburbs make me feel even more isolated than I did when I first became a mother?
How will my son take it? How much pain will I feel for him as he sees me divided and ripped away from him?
Will I resent breastfeeding from day 1 or has it been long enough since I stopped with my son that I’ll feel ok about it for the first while?
Will bottle feeding work this time? Will I be chained to this baby for the first year of its life the same way I was to my son?
There are so many more questions that I have. Yet so many more things that I feel more sure of this time.
It’s such a strange feeling.
I know we don’t all feel this way expecting our second or third child. I see many women that seem full of pure glee and excitement.
I feel all those things too. I’m so excited to snuggle that tiny body. And to look her in the eye and feel that incredible soul connection.
For the blessing of spending our lives together.
This is the most important thing in the world.
But I’m so scared, in such a new way.
When you head blindly into something like parenthood and you have no idea what to expect, that’s one thing. But an educated fear? Oy. Its a different kind of edge. That’s why I wanted to share how I really feel about having a second baby, because I’m sure I’m not the only one with these mixed emotions.
So I sit, waiting for the day- a day I’m truly looking forward to, that I become a mama of two.
I know my heart will grow. Hell, I know I’ll even shit my pants (pants I won’t be wearing).
But out of it I all, I will expand.
Motherhood has made me into a person I am so proud of. It’s shown me my true strength and power. It’s shown me my ability for grace, for patience and for transformation.
Those things never come with a walk in the park.
So while I’m expecting this journey to be difficult af. I’m excited to come out on the other side of it.
Here’s to the next 3 years (and a lifetime)!
XO Milli Fox
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