I’ve had this dream to write a book for as long as I can remember. I have so many crazy stories to tell, and I’ve come so far. But now that I’m in a place to reflect on it all, it seems a little redundant. I feel as though because I’ve been through it all so many times in my own head, that these stories are old already and not worth re-telling.
Plus, when you are out of the woods an in a more positive place in your life, all that stuff that you once thought was the worst thing in the world tends to not seem quite as bad.
But heres the deal, it was bad. My mom tried to kill me. She came at me with a knife in an oxy-booze induced stupor and told me I was digging my own grave.
Shit like that.
That’s the stuff I keep getting all weird about sharing.
One side of me feels like I should just let it go, and let it be in the past. I am after all, out of the woods now.
Another part of me feels like I would only be sharing these stories for attention, and to be honest, since I’ve been in therapy, that huge need for attention and validation has decreased wildly. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been as intense about Instagram or blogging for the last while because I’m in need of less external validation these days.
But, when it comes down to it, there is the urge to share that comes from a place of truly wanting to help people that never fully goes away.
If I’m sitting on a mountain of these types of stories, it means other people are too. And I’m not saying that everyone should go broadcast all their family’s dirty laundry and tell the world every intimate secret and traumatic thing that happened to them. Hell no I am not.
All I’m saying is that if I share this crap, people will know they aren’t the only ones who don’t have a pretty past. They aren’t the only ones who didn’t have an idillic childhood or healthy relationships with their parents. And maybe, just maybe they’ll start to open up about it to the people who actually matter in their lives. Maybe they’ll seek help. Maybe they will do something for themselves to lift some of that burden, to take off some mental shackles and realize that they can let it go.
But.
I flip flop a lot.
As I get older there are so many parts of my personality that I was sure of that are turning out to be not all that true. Consistency for example, I’m really not great at it. In fact, I loathe it. I LOVE flexibility, so the idea of consistently sitting down and committing to write an entire book on the same “topic” also scares me.
Who knows what I’ll do.
But what I am sure of, is that I’m embracing the urges to share what I want, when I want, how I want. So no, there won’t be a weekly blog or a weekly Youtube video. But there will be something when it counts. There will be a share that comes from my heart, and I’ll try my best to keep sharing what I’ve learned and how I’ve moved on.
I’m in a really great place these days. I’ve made some incredible strides in the last 6 months (thanks Betterhelp app! [not sponsored]) and I’m looking forward to more.
Life is a consistent journey of growth for me. It always will be. I don’t know where I’ll end up but I know I’m meant to share, and I know excellence is part of my life- so, follow along for the ride 🙂
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